Friendship: It’s one of the top concerns we hear about most often during Parent Teacher Conferences. Without understanding the development of friendships we often put social pressure on our children and we don’t even know we are doing it.
“Who are your friends?”
“Who did you play with today?”
“Who did you work with today?”
Have you asked any of these questions? While they are all valid questions, and come from a place of love they can cause unnecessary pressure for young children. Understanding the developmental process of friendships is important in understanding your child’s social relationships. We are lucky enough to spend 3 maybe 4 years with many of your children. Some children come to us as 2 1/2 year olds - still technically toddlers, while others join our school family as 3 or 4 year olds, and leave as 5 or 6 year olds. In many cases during their time at Blue Mountain they move through 2 or 3 planes of development, so naturally, their play, and peer relationships evolve as well.
Before the age of 3, and often even until 3 1/2 years old children typically participate in parallel play. This is the type of play where two or more children will play next to each other but not necessarily with each other cooperatively. As they grow children begin to form momentary playmates; the main ingredients for these friendships are opportunity and similarity. Friendships at this stage are all about having fun while they are together, but really nothing beyond that. At 3 and 4 years old children don’t really have the ability to see another’s perspective so friends can be fleeting and unreliable. This is why it is not uncommon to hear phrases like, “She’s not my friend anymore.” and then five minutes later, “We are best friends.” As children move into the 3rd plane of development friendships take on a new importance. Children begin to think about things friends do or don’t do, and have more emotional buy-in in the relationship.
Your children will make friends naturally, trust in their development. You wouldn’t ask your child, “Have you learned the Pythagorean Theorem today?” because you know that they are not developmentally ready. Similarly, hold off on asking who their friends are until the time is right. Follow their lead, watch for signs, and listen to their chatter. You will know when the time is right to have specific friend conversations.
In the meantime we can work on laying the groundwork for healthy social relationships. Friendships are based on conversational skills, interpersonal skills, and emotional self control. These skills take time to develop and require countless hours of practice. In her brilliance, Maria Montessori designed practice of these skills in her lessons for Grace and Courtesy; they are practically built into our classroom!
So what can you do at home? Here are a few suggestions that can be used for any child in any stage of development:
- Talk about all feelings with your children. Encourage the labeling of feelings, and problem solving discussions around feelings.
- Practice Grace and Courtesy Lessons at home. Teach your child how to greet another adult, how to make eye contact and how to be an active listener.
- Model and Foster empathy. “I can see how that would be frustrating….”
- When possible, let children work things out on their own - have a peace flower available, and use it with them.