Date Time Distracted

We are a busy family of 5, and there are definitely times when it feels like life is chasing us, however every family is busy, and everyone feels like life chases them at some point or another. In our family we do our best to have individual date time with our children, in fact making this happen takes logistics. It’s coordinating schedules, finding a babysitter, and planning ahead. But the amount of extra work to make it happen pales in comparison to how important it is to us and our children. Date time is one-on-one connection time when little brother isn’t screaming at you for wrecking his ramp, or big sister isn’t smothering you with her “mothering”, or Mom and Dad aren’t multitasking through every minute of the evening. Date time is connection time. For an hour or two we operate on our children’s clocks, we slow down, we listen, we talk, and we connect.

Last week I had a date night with my daughter. It was a crazy day, actually it was a crazy few weeks. It was very evident that we needed some time together, just her and I. I was really looking forward to going out to dinner with her and being blown away by how fast she’s growing up, being caught off guard by the new facts she’s learned, and the one liners she’s picked up. I wanted to stare at her from across the table – making sure to remember every wispy hair from her forehead, her crazy mismatched outfit, and her smile full of baby teeth that will soon be falling out – changing it forever. I was looking forward to connecting.

We went to a little local pizza shop – it’s a fun place because you can sit at the bar and watch your pizza being made. We were seated at a little table for two. Darby wanted to sit next to me; my heart melted. I scooted her chair on the side of the table so we could be closer. Just as I scooted her chair over a family of four was seated at the table across from us, and another family of four next to us. Darby and I were chatting out about the day, and our upcoming vacation. She had her hand on my arm, and then… I lost her. Her gaze had moved over to the table across from us. I looked up to see this family out to dinner, Mom and Dad on their phones and the two kids each on their own iPad. No one was talking, nor were they looking at each other – in fact the waitress had to ask them twice if they were ready to order. The youngest boy was watching Curious George on his iPad, and was seated in a way that gave Darby a clear view. She was gone. I tried my hardest engage her, I asked her questions, I even changed seats so that my body blocked her viewing but she kept leaning one way or another to catch a glimpse. I grabbed her hands, and crouched down to look her in the eye, “Darby, this is our date night, I want to look in your eyes and be with you, but it’s hard to do that when you are watching someone else’s iPad.” she honestly responded, “I know it’s our date night, but it’s just so hard, my eyes just can’t hold it in.” Our pizza arrived just after she said that, but her attention was elsewhere, my heart was a little deflated, and the best move was to just finish dinner and head home. I served us both some pizza, but was interrupted by the foul language coming from the mother sitting at the table next to us. She was describing her ex-husband, using profanity after profanity, paying no attention to her own to children who were staring at her wide eyed. I couldn’t take it anymore, I packed up our dinner, left cash on the table, and told Darby we had to leave. I left infuriated. I was so upset that other people’s poor choices ruined my connection time with my daughter.

If there is a silver lining it would be this: Darby asked me, “Why do we have to leave Mama?” I said, “Because I want to spend time with you, and I don’t want us to be distracted by other people making sad choices.” This of course led to a great teachable moment, we talked about why we have date time, what it means to connect, why we have rules about screen time, what it means to be kind, and respectful – the whole deal. I was reminded about the importance of phone etiquette, screen time, and little listening ears. When I think back on that night, I’m not as angry as I was, in fact, I actually feel more sad than anything. I feel sad because I saw children missing out on an opportunity to connect with the ones they love. I feel sad that Darby I and missed out on connecting. I know that I will have more opportunities for date time with my daughter, but I am little bitter about that lost time, and those moments that could have been.

I share this story as a reminder to be mindful and present with your children ALL the time. Be genuine and conscientious with your intent – they are taking it all in. It can be difficult when life is chasing us to hold ourselves to such standards, but before you know it we’ll chasing after memories of connecting with our little ones.